Still can't believe

I have been through lots of sorrow things in the past.
When I was in Taiwan, I got depression and didn't have the appetite to eat any food.
I lose many pounds.
I kept myself in my room all day long without talking to anyone and cried at night.
There is a deepest wound in my mind which takes a long time to recover.
But since I heard the God's words in iM church, I had enough strength to get out from the death valley in my life. I got much better than before.
However, it's still hurt now and it makes me cry every time I think of terrible memories in the past.
It's hard to get rid of them.
I am not good enough so that I could be dumped easily and any girl could replace me.
I am nothing for any man because lots of girls are much more prettier than me
They are smarter and prettier than me.

I reject men before dating so it means I never really hurt someone.
but I am always dumped at the end after I got into the relationship just because of some difficulties.
My love always fails because of the reality and challenges from this world.
The pressure from parents, relatives, people's criticizes.  People talk.
Job, family, financial problem, misunderstands are also the factors that influence the relationship.

but I don't want to be tortured again.
I have had enough in SJ, CA.
Please don't hurt me again, I can't afford the second time.
and of course I will definitely do my best to maintain this relationship.

Show me how much you love me and how do you support our future.
I feel loved from you and you are special and a real christian.
Thats's why I love you so much becuase I feel loved that I have never had from other men.
I will keep telling myself "Don't screw it up this time."

I love you so much. Please don't  leave me.

Prophecy 預言

 iM 教會

第一次(1、2)

1. 當時剛回台灣,打擊很大,很憂鬱,心裡很受挫,因為我課業失敗、人際關 係搞不好、感情很失敗,我從以前就一直認為自己甚麼事做不好,我覺得自己很 笨、書讀不好、長的也不好看,很自卑,回來後打擊很大,讓我更認為自己很失敗.....

但是替我畫圖禱告的女生說,上帝讓她看到我身穿美麗的洋裝,神說我很美麗很棒,要我照鏡子,看看自己很美的,祂要我對自己有信心,他也給我很多東西了, 我都已經擁有了。

2. 聚會結束前,另外一位替我禱告的女生說,她看到我一直在照鏡子,她說我很沒 有信心,總是問人這樣做對不對、這樣作好不好???神要我對自己有信心,神知 道現在遇到很大的挫折,有些人說過一些話傷害過我,但是神要我提起勇氣,再 勇敢往前走。最後她補上一句, 神要我用過去討厭的技能,再來服侍祂.......。（我討厭鋼琴,小提琴還有英文,我不知道是什麼）

我再也忍不住了,在她面前大哭,因為我的信心已經被摧毀得差不多了, 但是神卻認為我很好。

(在替我說預言之前,我就一直每天跟神禱告說,我希望神能夠成就我這兩件事 情:1.家書成功替我還有他辯解 2.給我中央華盛頓的入學許可還有獎學金,我絕對會 100%相信神,我也絕對會在用小提琴或是用鋼琴服侍神,我 要回到神的敬拜團隊,我想要貢獻我的時間給祂) 可是現在想想我不應該跟神make a deal, 因為是我要聽他的,不是要他聽我的,這樣等於是在和神negotiate. 即使他沒有幫我實現我想要的事情,我也要接受,也應該要服侍神。其實第一項並沒有實現,因為我根本還沒來的及拿出家書,就已經被他拋棄了。


第二次(3、4) 
3. 我用抽籤禱告的,我跟禱告的女生說,我想要問{學業,是否要繼續讀研是否要繼續研究所}。我抽到的是很有壓力,背面的經文則是說: 要將一切的重擔交託給神。我覺得很可怕,因為在這個禮拜,我一直很猶豫要不要堅持出國讀書,我 家人沒有給我很明確地要不要支持我,家人似乎不想賣房子支持我,可至我又很 想要去美國完成學業,我很想要拿到獎學金,可是我的 GPA 不好,光靠自己賺錢,我也賺不了學費,我壓力好大,因為我不想要為了自己害家裡破產,可是我 很真的很想要出國讀書.....,我當時很焦慮,很難受,壓力很大。但是神透過經文跟我講,叫我不要焦慮,禱告者跟我說,她認為經濟是我不該擔 憂的,神即使不能讓我拿到獎學金,也可能用另一種方式讓我能出國讀書,神叫我不要擔憂。

4.接著我找畫圖禱告的女生,她說看到一幅圖畫是,一頭母獅在黃色草原上奔馳著,似乎是在追獵物,她說覺得我裡面有一股力量沒有發揮出來,我並不像外表那樣 的溫和,而是有一種爆發力,她說,現在我應該要求神給我的旨意到底是甚麼, 如果機會出現了,我認為是對的、是神給我的,我就應該努力往前去追,不用去 擔心害怕,就勇敢地去追。(我當時一直在憂慮要不要出國,是不是乾脆不要出國了???!!!)

第三次(5)
5. 工作上班前最後一次去夜店教會,我選擇用抽籤告的,我跟他說我想要問’’感情, 我不知道該不該堅持跟他在一起...’’,結果我抽到的是,’’愛的庇護’’,經文是:凡你所一直祈求禱告的,神都早已知道了,並且已經為你預備好了。 我有跟禱告者解釋我現在的情況,他說他的感覺是,先不要去想說一定要在一起, 或是一定不要在一起,神會用他的方式帶領我,神都有祂的安排。神一定會為我預備最適合我的,給我最好的。 

I believe in God. I am eager to hear his voice. Through those prophecies, now I totally believe that he is the real God. I surrender to him and I made my mind to devote my life to him. I wanna use my life to worship him. My goal is to go back to CA and study worship school there.

A lesson

I should have learned from the things that happened in San Jose
I know what are my problems
and I really need to take that seriously from now on
I am not a child, I need to learn how to deal with any situation.
I need to learn how to interact with adults even my teenage friends.

That's what I need to learn.
I am glad he dumped me cuz I am not mature enough to go into a relationship
I am thankful for what I have been experienced before because those things could force me to grow up and I should not stay in my comfort zone.

I need to change
I am not a little girl anymore.

當我踏出校門的這一刻
就應該要有自覺不能再幼稚了
可是我沒有
反而是到國外耍幼稚耍白癡
才會摔得這麼慘

再這樣下去還是會遇到很多問題的.........
我的人際,工作,交友....對絕對會是問題一堆

問題是我不知道要怎麼才可以說話圓融,懂得做人處事
我很沒有心機,但總是做出一些讓人誤會或是不爽的蠢事

哎......